Wednesday, February 3, 2010

"On The Get-Back": Our Quid Pro Quo Interview With Leroy "Cadillac" Stanks

It is with no small amount of shame that we, the staff of, make this confession: this past weekend, after hearing events on our local police scanner that would set a nights worth of activity in motion, we the staff took a monetary pool and posted bail for Action Unlimited roster member Leroy "Cadillac" Stanks.

Under threat of libel, we can't mention the law enforcement agencies involved or the ames of the arresting officers. What we can tell you is that is was an almost obscenely ridiculous charge. Apparantly Leroy had crossed on a red directly in the view of a parked patrol cruiser. When Stank's made eye contact with the officer, "Cadillac" made an obscene gesture that will not be described on this website in any greater detail. When the officer, obviously provoked, instructed Stanks to lay on the ground, Leroy reached into his pockets and threw a wad of one dollar bills...$12 American to be exact...into the face of the officer. Naturally, mace and batons were used, and an hour later, a very bruised and very thankful "Big Silky" emerged from our "local" lockup.

Though he promised reimbursement to the entire staff, we here at harbor no dillusions. As such, we asked that in repayment, "Cadillac" simply take a few minutes and take part in an interview for our beloved website. What you are about to read has been transcribed to the best of our ability, and we apologize in advance for any difficulty in reading or following this interview.

Ladies and gentlemen, presents our interview with Leroy "Cadillac" Stanks.

AW- Leroy, thanks for taking the time to talk to us today.

CS- Well...thank you for having me. Thank you for bailing me out of JAIL. Thank you for the dozen doughnuts you have on that table over there. They are very delicious.

AW- You can have as many as you like, Leroy.

CS- Can I take some with me when I leave.

AW- Not a problem. We can always get more donuts later.

CS- (Holds up hands in a long dramatic pause) Continue.

AW- As we get started, I want to ask you about the events of tonight which had you, again, in the back of a police cruiser in handcuffs, arrested. The situation as it was described to us by the officer was completely avoidable. How do you continue to find yourself in these situations?

CS- Well, first of all, man...can I call you man?

AW- Man is fine.

CS- OK, man, goes down like this: Cops, you see, they got a job like everybody, right? They have to make their money busting criminals and whatever. Busting heads...being cops. They need that money to buy gas and pay their cable bills or whatever, you dig?

AW- We dig.

CS- So if everybody just stopped breaking the law, right, those cops would be out of a job. In this economy, we shouldn't let anybody lose their job. I don't want these cops kid's to starve to death, so I do what I have to do to keep food on their tables. That whole law enforcement community NEEDS my ass. I'm insurance on their financial futures, if you know what I'm saying, man.

AW- So, in essence, you commit these crimes in the interest of furthering the police officer's employment?

CS- Yeah, see? I take care of everybody.

AW- Um...ok. Speaking of people you take care of, so far we've seen four of your lovely "Cadillac Dolls". How many "Dolls" are there in total?

CS- They're all up at the crib right now. We can go count them if you want. I think there's like either 14 or 20...maybe 19. They made pizza tonight of you guys are hungry.

AW- We already ate, but thanks.

CS- It's not even a problem. If I can borrow somebody's cell, I can call ahead and make sure we get a table cloth.

AW- It does sound lovely, but work comes first. Now back to your legal woes, do you have any plans for slowing down as you hit your future?

CS- As long as those boys in blue are depending on me, I'll be out doing tonight...making sure their bills get paid. For as many times as I've been busted, none of those cops ever end up really hating me. The whole time they're arresting me, I was boogeying, getting down, and doing everything I ever do. Plus they have a cell for me at (name of borough police station deleted) thats at least 50 times nicer than my crib, y'know?

AW- Do you see how this logic is flawed?

CS- Flawed? How is it FLAWED? It's worked for me for twenty something years.

AW- True, but you keep ending up incarcerated.

CS- See, thats my only problem, though!

AW- Now, as far as Action Unlimited's next event "Action Unlimited 3: Indestructible" goes, do you have any plans on competetion, and if so, against who?

CS- I don't ever really know much in advance. They don't trust me with too much information, dig?

AW- Dug.

CS- I'm definitely going to be in the house come February 25. Me and my babies are going to roll into that place and own every single seat. They don't call me "Big Silky" for nothing, man.

AW- We definitely believe that. was definitely our pleasure to speak to you today.

CS- Definitely my pleasure to be bailed out the hop by you fine folks. Now, I'm gonna grab them donuts be out. One.

AW- One indeed, Leroy. One, indeed.

-Action Unlimited

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